I just feel like saying it now publicly. There’s something that has been bothering me for quite a while. Currently I’m stressed and tired and really on the edge of completely burning out, but I keep going, because I don’t really feel like I have other options.
Tomorrow starts this year’s edition of Global Game Jam, which I’m organizing again. So there’s that. We’ve been talking about it for months, doing small preparations and such, but still there’s a lot of those last minute things to figure out and just get done. This year we also signed up to have a program on the GGJ radio, because it would be fun to do something more and it’s good to try to promote myself that way as well. We still have to plan and record the show, within the next 24-30 hours.
Then there’s Wozzop, the school magazine that I took on at the beginning of the year as an editor. I got 2 editors to help out, and when things got too hectic for me in December I asked them to handle it without me, and they did, which was great. But it was still just letting go of a very small part of my responsibilities. Now I’m back to working on it, and currently I have to handle editing the upcoming issue as well as organizing Global Game Jam. This is not optimal, but, well, I signed up for that, right? I guess I can do it…?
This year I also took on a role of a vice president of the school union, because my friend who was the president last year did such a great job that I wanted to make sure this year everything will be handled correctly. It does not really feel now like I have to do all that much, but all the communications, and just trying to remember about everything, and consider everything really weights down on me a lot. I knew it won’t be easy, and it’s not, I’m still trying to figure out how to handle things and people correctly.
Last year I started going to the gym pretty regularly, and I loved it, I had a great routine, and I followed it. I had energy and somewhat structured days. But that was the first thing I had to let go among all the other responsibilities. And that was the most important thing to me actually, because it made me feel so much better overall. But since my bike got broken in the end of November I don’t really have time to spend 30-60 hour on getting to the gym on foot to make it for my favorite classes. And I don’t even have time to get my bike fixed, because that takes another 30-40 min to go to a repair shop and pay some ridiculous price for a fairly simple job. Oh, have I mentioned that as I student I don’t have any income and I’m just sucking all the money from my family and can’t really do anything about it, because school and everything takes 100% of my time?
Really, without a bike I just feel so impaired, I can’t get anywhere, getting to school takes me 30 min instead of 10, that’s 1 hour instead of 20 min each day, same with groceries, days when I decide I can find time for the gym. But most of all, I just feel I have so many thing to do, I don’t have time for anything and I don’t know what to start with. I would so prefer to get a new bike rather than waste I have no idea how much time on fixing the old one… But I can’t do that obviously.
And then, last, there’s school. Yes, something that’s supposed to be my main focus, but somehow it never can be because of other things that take my time, attention, and arguably – which I believe give me more experience, energy and I enjoy them enjoy so much more. Everyone is working so hard, and I feel left behind. I need to divide my attention among all the other things, and all I feel instead of being somewhat appreciated for all I do is just the pressure of what I don’t do. Of course the easy solution would be – let go of the things that take your attention, and focus on school, but I really can’t just focus on one thing. I thrive in situations when I can switch between my options, except in this case expectations are too high.
All in all, I think I’m doing pretty well, surviving it all by now, but just week by week everything gets more difficult. Sometime I get a boost of energy from something and that keeps me going for a couple of days. I’m really on the edge of burning out, and I don’t want that. I don’t know how to handle it. Too much expectations, too little appreciations, frustrations piling left and right, and I feel I should be able to handle all that, but I can’t. Wait, that’s another expectation, right? Sometimes I do feel like a superhuman managing it all, but I’m not superhuman, and I can’t control everything, and I feel like soon I won’t be able to control anything.
There, honest story of an probably-ambitious UID student, who loves UID and being at UID, but not really being a student… Why do I always have to go the opposite way from everyone else?
I just needed to get it out, sorry if it’s too boring and personal.