I’m not a superhuman

I just feel like saying it now publicly. There’s something that has been bothering me for quite a while. Currently I’m stressed and tired and really on the edge of completely burning out, but I keep going, because I don’t really feel like I have other options.

Tomorrow starts this year’s edition of Global Game Jam, which I’m organizing again. So there’s that. We’ve been talking about it for months, doing small preparations and such, but still there’s a lot of those last minute things to figure out and just get done. This year we also signed up to have a program on the GGJ radio, because it would be fun to do something more and it’s good to try to promote myself that way as well. We still have to plan and record the show, within the next 24-30 hours.

Then there’s Wozzop, the school magazine that I took on at the beginning of the year as an editor. I got 2 editors to help out, and when things got too hectic for me in December I asked them to handle it without me, and they did, which was great. But it was still just letting go of a very small part of my responsibilities. Now I’m back to working on it, and currently I have to handle editing the upcoming issue as well as organizing Global Game Jam. This is not optimal, but, well, I signed up for that, right? I guess I can do it…?

This year I also took on a role of a vice president of the school union, because my friend who was the president last year did such a great job that I wanted to make sure this year everything will be handled correctly. It does not really feel now like I have to do all that much, but all the communications, and just trying to remember about everything, and consider everything really weights down on me a lot. I knew it won’t be easy, and it’s not, I’m still trying to figure out how to handle things and people correctly.

Last year I started going to the gym pretty regularly, and I loved it, I had a great routine, and I followed it. I had energy and somewhat structured days. But that was the first thing I had to let go among all the other responsibilities. And that was the most important thing to me actually, because it made me feel so much better overall. But since my bike got broken in the end of November I don’t really have time to spend 30-60 hour on getting to the gym on foot to make it for my favorite classes. And I don’t even have time to get my bike fixed, because that takes another 30-40 min to go to a repair shop and pay some ridiculous price for a fairly simple job. Oh, have I mentioned that as I student I don’t have any income and I’m just sucking all the money from my family and can’t really do anything about it, because school and everything takes 100% of my time?

Really, without a bike I just feel so impaired, I can’t get anywhere, getting to school takes me 30 min instead of 10, that’s 1 hour instead of 20 min each day, same with groceries, days when I decide I can find time for the gym. But most of all, I just feel I have so many thing to do, I don’t have time for anything and I don’t know what to start with. I would so prefer to get a new bike rather than waste I have no idea how much time on fixing the old one… But I can’t do that obviously.

And then, last, there’s school. Yes, something that’s supposed to be my main focus, but somehow it never can be because of other things that take my time, attention, and arguably – which I believe give me more experience, energy and I enjoy them enjoy so much more. Everyone is working so hard, and I feel left behind. I need to divide my attention among all the other things, and all I feel instead of being somewhat appreciated for all I do is just the pressure of what I don’t do. Of course the easy solution would be – let go of the things that take your attention, and focus on school, but I really can’t just focus on one thing. I thrive in situations when I can switch between my options, except in this case expectations are too high.

All in all, I think I’m doing pretty well, surviving it all by now, but just week by week everything gets more difficult. Sometime I get a boost of energy from something and that keeps me going for a couple of days. I’m really on the edge of burning out, and I don’t want that. I don’t know how to handle it. Too much expectations, too little appreciations, frustrations piling left and right, and I feel I should be able to handle all that, but I can’t. Wait, that’s another expectation, right? Sometimes I do feel like a superhuman managing it all, but I’m not superhuman, and I can’t control everything, and I feel like soon I won’t be able to control anything.

There, honest story of an probably-ambitious UID student, who loves UID and being at UID, but not really being a student… Why do I always have to go the opposite way from everyone else?

I just needed to get it out, sorry if it’s too boring and personal.


Fell in love with the library

Beginning last Monday we had the orientation course at the university. It was actually quite useful, about how some things work here at the university and such. Mostly aimed at the Erasmus students, but not only. There was a lot said about university facilities, among that, on the last day we got a presentation about the library here followed by a guided tour.

In Linköping the library was one of the first places at the university that I visited, for some reason (even though I’ve never used a library back at my home university). However, I haven’t been going there until the next semester probably. Later on I discovered the awesomness of studying in the library. I’ve been doing that for some part of the second semester, and also studying in the group rooms, which was so incredibly better than trying to study at home.

The library at Umeå University tops that in Linköping, I guess. It’s really amazing. Big and bright in the sunlight, quite spacious, numerous study desks, it’s like I wanted to be there while studying all the time. I might actually do that since one of the course textbooks is available only in the library, at the time, so I might be sitting there and reading it. It’s open even on Sundays!

And the newspaper section, it looks like taken out of furniture catalog,  so classy and sleek. I’m really impressed by the library, probably the coolest place at the university that I’ve seen so far.

To be back in Sweden

I think I was not fully aware of how big impact Swedish lifestyle had on me. For sure, I definitely fell in love with the university here, but now I am also very happy to be back among those people, although I do not understand them anyway XD.

Currently I’m at the university, good coffee brought me here, haha. I also retrieved my latest exam of Computer Networks that I got 5 at. I wanted to see how many points I got and it’s really nice that I can have a well-passed exam at home :D

Yesterday I got invited by a friend to a movie screening at the university. It turns out there is a movie club which screens movies each week. I just hoped they wouldn’t throw me out of there since I’m no longer a student here, haha. Surprisingly I met there two other friends, that I would never expect to see there, nor I actually expected to see them during my short stay here at all. Yesterday’s movie was Arn: Tempelriddaren, which I had on my to-watch list for a long time since I got the movie quite a while ago. However, everybody was saying that this movie is really bad so eventually I never watched it. It was not bad at all! In fact I liked it very much. It was really well-directed, and interesting enough. So I cannot understand why so many people didn’t like it. But after all I liked those middle-age rather boring stories, so maybe that’s why I liked it.

Also on my first day here, right after arrival I had a meeting scheduled with another friend. After yesterday it turned out that I suddenly know more people here than just those 2 I came to visit. A really nice feeling.

And due to my blond hair and style I feel like I really fit in here. Maybe except the lack of iPhone/MacBook. For some reason I don’t wanna be seen as a foreigner. I remember that when right after coming here for the first time, everywhere people were starting to talk to me in Swedish and i laughed that I must look Swedish or something, but of course they would start talking in Swedish to everybody. Especially that  there’s so many foreigners here, who know the language. But this time I have my white Chucks here, so it’s even more like merging in, haha. Actually, while still in Sweden I wished I could get white Chucks, since so many people were wearing them here and they just look cool. And it was a bit of my dream to wear them here. So not taking them with me here was absolutely out of question. Even if it’s not exactly summer, but close enough, no snow lying around on the sidewalks. Streets are dry and weather is sunny, approximately 10 degrees in the sun. It feels like spring definitely :) Although, yesterday it was snowing as heavily as on Easter in Poland, which the difference that it was snowing in 20-minute intervals rather than constantly, and whatever snow fell down it melted away immediately, and by 7 PM there was no sign of it.

It really feels good to be back here. For some reason, when I was on the plane it felt more like I’m coming back from vacation rather than going on one. And I still remember my corridor room and miss it a lot. But at the same time I’m aware that this university is one of biggest in Sweden and student live has really evolved here. I just hope I could continue my studies in such place, since I can’t here due to lack of suitable Master program.

I also hope to retrieve my old longboard that is currently staying at my other’s friend place. Thankfully, there’s not that much gravel on the way to university and possibly Ryd


The university starts to live again

Since it’s August many new students arrived. Ryd – my previous place of living became “crowded” again (Japanese にぎやか nigiyaka fits here best).

But now it’s the third week of August and before-university activities for Swedish students start. Also the signs on the main road to university (märkesbacken) got repainted so that university looks colorful and welcoming again. (It was mostly winter’s gravel that destroyed the paint, but anyway it would have to be refreshed). It’s truly amazing that it is like that, that students gather and paint signs of their organizations. Sadly I missed the day of painting, as I didn’t know it’s happening… But yesterday I went there to see the ready signs, but there were still some people from smaller organizations painting theirs or fixing.

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